TMS Times
                       Wednesday, May 16, 1990

                          Volume 2, Number 50

The TMS Inquirer
"...inquiring minds want to know..."

[The following items may have been changed to protect the truth]

     Scantily-clad atheist Elvis worshipping sorority girls from hell
were seen doing a ritual in wet T-shirts on May 12, in the town of Pine
Bluff, Montana.  They were carrying a single 17 foot green dildo with
rhinestones and satanic verses inscribed on the side.  They planted it
right in front of the church.  "I saw it all," reports a local from
nearby Black Creek.
     That night, it spontaneously combusted at approximately
04:32:47.29.  Mrs. Whitpopper, of nearby Wimpleton, says, "It was
horrible.  I was passing by for some groceries.  Suddenly I saw a 17
foot object in front of the church.  I thought nothing of it, until it
just - blew up!  I recovered from it, bought three green avocados and
went home.  They later turned purple and grew ears."
     Police Chief Snoogenwopper reports:  "Over one killed in
spontaneous combustion of 17 foot unidentified object, and three
injured.  There was shrapnel everywhere."
     The cleanup crew says, "@$#%#@$%^&%*(%^&#$!!!!!!!!!"
     Says one local bartender, "We had guacamole for days."


     Another UFO was sighted near TMS recently.
     "A red light shone down on Joe Abercrombie.  Joe's body turned
into a white aura of energy and he was sucked into the spaceship.  When
he came hack he had long hair and a beard."
     Joe Abercrombie is a pseudonym.  Joe wishes to remain anonymous,
for fear periodicals such as Weakly World News might beat down his door
in a search for the truth.
     And what is the truth?
     Says Joe, "When I came back I could remember nothing, but the
aliens fixed it so I had a slow memory release.  There was a voice in
his head that said, "Yes, you were gone for a year.  This is what you
did." And he watched his missing year inside his skull, just like a
     "They took me to their planet.  I saw Elvis Presley hangin' out
there.  The aliens dig Elvis.   I think Elvis' music and singing are
completely universal."


     On the night of May 12, at nine o'clock, the Loch Ness monster
strolled through Pine Bluff, Colorado.  Suddenly, it ran amok and
gobbled up local residents.
                         (Continued on Page 2)

     One gobbled up resident reports:  "Does he ever brush his teeth?
Geez, it stinks down there!  I thought it was a UFO.  It swooped down
on me with glowing purple wings.  Gobbled me up.  I was stunned for a
few seconds.  When I came to my senses, I was sitting in the Loch Ness
monster's anatomy.  I knew it was the Loch Ness monster because it
didn't use Listerine.  P. U.!"
     "Suddenly, it burped," the resident continued.  "I was back safe
and sound in my wife's arms.  She happened to be passing by and was
looking at the beast, thinking nothing of it.  I went home and took a
long shower.  Took Drano to get me clean."

     Demetria made bread that ate people. It attacked Jon.  Not
satisfied, it tried to eat Megan's finger. Not even Gavin was safe.
You've heard of Venus Flytraps - this is Venus Bread!  It looks
innocent and good tasting, but underneath it's a killer!

     Elvis Presley was found working at a Shop & Save as a price
tagger, under the name of Pelvis Hesley.  He'd recently had his
varicose veins liposuctioned.

     A coloraforus spider web was spotted behind Bliss by the local
arachnologist, Professor Bonk It.
     "Interesting find," says Professor It. "We don't usually see this
kind of spider web around here.  The average coloraforus female spider
grows at a rate of two miles a day, and lives for about half a day, in
which time it breeds, builds its web, and lives a full, rich and happy

                 } Remember - you saw it here first! {

                        SPECIAL COMICS BONANZA!

                        SELECTED BY ELI AND ADA



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